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timbuctoolady
08 October 2015 @ 01:09 am
my spacebar is beaten up and my post just got eaten upppppp!

Life has been nuts. Priorities have been changing (hopefully for the better) and feel like I've been working so hard this year at accepting disappointment, gratefully and graciously accepting the good things &wonderful people, what really eats away at me and what galvanises me. Not sure why the inflexion point is ever-so-elusive; I can never trace it in the progression of things. Recently, I've been forced to look hard into my future and to make commitments I hope I can live up to; seen my friends crumble and rear their ugly heads; been lucky enough to see the rosy side of things; finally have some important but disturbing/destabilising thoughts that lurk in the recesses of my mind organise themselves neatly into the crevices of my brain.

I'll bet my last dollar everything will get jumbled up soon enough, but till then, truly thankful for the plateaus.
 
 
timbuctoolady
29 June 2015 @ 12:04 am
Swimming without goggles is terrifying. I gave up trying to come up to the surface to breathe and open my eyes every few kicks and told myself I'd just swim on until my fingers gently bumped into the peripheries of the pool. It was really just the breadth of the swimming pool, but in that stretch, the fear of letting go, of moving on by faith instead of by sight, felt wrenchingly real.

Another month of internships has come to a close, and I am truly tired. I think I've become more aware of my strengths and my weaknesses.. Except that I'm at a/an (st)age where I don't know if those 'weaknesses' are really just part of my core traits. As we ease into the TC application phase, I can't help but worry that I'll uproot my anchor and go with the flow of the yellow brick road

Each week has been passing by so, so quickly. I can't wait to go to Japan and be done with my internships, but at the same time I wish I could have some breathing spaces in the midst of all of this.

In the middle of A Grief Observed. I love books or films which teach me about love, in all its dimensions and variations. I think last year I would only regale myself in romantic stuff, but now I'm thankful for any realistic, raw portrayal of love.

Watching Like Crazy made me realise that our experiences aren't quite as endemic as we think them out to be, and I suppose that is oddly comforting. Time and distance have a way of cooling things really rapidly, and I am now, ironically, so thankful for that. I'm happy that everything has sort of subsided into this fissure that will probably always be present, but will also always be just a mark of something that has breathed its last. Sometimes the fondness seeps through, but it dissipates and the fissure slowly narrows. 
 
 
timbuctoolady
27 May 2015 @ 06:37 pm
I was seriously growing too used to a crippled phone. Journalling on my phone on the go feels queeeer.

I also forgot how divine me-time can be. One week of me-time equals elevation of the soul. I think I've become an ill-disciplined leisure-reader, but I totally delight in that secretly! Doing stuff w myself has made me feel happy like a peaceful old woman who smells like the cookies she bakes.

Went for a retreat over the weekend, and I feel.. mended. A bit tighter, more aware of how else I need to be more together.
 
 
timbuctoolady
03 May 2015 @ 11:23 pm
note-to-selfCollapse )
 
 
timbuctoolady
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,  
But I have promises to keep,  
And miles to go before I sleep,  
And miles to go before I sleep.
 
 
 
timbuctoolady
19 February 2015 @ 01:14 am
I'm sleepy but also contemplative so I think I'd indulge in the latter for a bit.

Some days I feel this tingle in the hollow of my bones and it's a dull ache I've learnt to withstand, and am trying, everyday, to appreciate. Time is passing by so fast (when I surface from the mad rush) - but whilst in the thick of things I often wish it wouldn't drag on. I think the best thing I've learnt (read: am learning) so far this year is that one needs to choose to accept certain things that happen. These are usually things that are not amenable to our dispositions - but the most generous you can be with yourself is by choosing to swallow it.

It is now Lent again, and Lent always seems like it will be so long on Ash Wednesday. Last year, around this time, I was busy preparing for Baptism - and it was such a peaceful, healing sort of business. I hope this year will be the same. I feel that this year's Lent will be harder because all of a sudden I realise things about myself I used to know, but know even more acutely now. So much introspection to do, so much humble pie to eat, so much trusting to do.

There are moments when I grow so tired of clutching onto things, of being in control, that I let myself go for just that little while - and you know, it is comforting to know that way up north from our lives on this Earth, the big picture is forming by the seconds. The thought that all these detours and winding routes will one day make sense is such a wonderful thought.

I hope so much that one day we can all believe in beautiful things like we're free-falling into a deeeeep bed of downy feathers, not needing to be afraid of anything at all (and if you think about it, 'believing' already implies the making of a conscious choice). Maybe an obscured fact of life is that things aren't so much about dispersed, nebulous concepts of 'hope' and 'perhaps' - just discern, decide and forge on.
 
 
timbuctoolady
In the twinkling stars that dance like fireflies
In the blushing fruit that hangs upon the vine
In the face of a baby as he forms his first smile
I see You

In the whisper of the wind's soft lullaby
In the laughter and the roar of the rushing tide
In the song of a sparrow as he takes his first flight
I hear You
 
 
timbuctoolady
25 August 2014 @ 12:35 am
Amazed at how happy I've been at the little things. I really don't think I've ever been this gushy/excitable/beamy about the very things that I'm all that about these days. Sometimes it makes me feel silly, needy, dependent, impressionable, soft - but I still recognise myself, and I think that makes things okay.

I think I've been stingy with such emotions and reactions for the longest time. Been hedging it generously with over-analysis and pessimism, much like how you touch a hot kettle, get scalded, have your finger scab, forget about the episode for some time, touch the kettle again and go through the same motions.

I feel that I'm breaking this cycle/ emotional limbo, letting my defenses down and having more of myself spill over. Learning to embrace vulnerability instead of shunning it because I honestly think that is the only way to love.

I'm happy to love, happy to open my hands to catch, and happy to risk the blisters and bruises.
 
 
timbuctoolady
02 July 2014 @ 04:23 pm
"She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.' " - Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

*

I think the last time I felt this way was... a little over two years ago. So many things have happened, and at present, I just feel so lucky and so blessed that I fear detailing them would strip them of their magic. To be honest, I'm a little disturbed and disappointed that after baptism, I still feel unable to submit all my fears to Him. And sometimes, I find it so difficult to discern sigh ):

a raw prayer I loveCollapse )

Maybe this sounds pessimistic, but I can't get out of my head the crashing and burning that followed after I reached what seemed (to me, at least) like a peak two years ago; perhaps it happened because I settled, and then began to regress so gradually that I never even noticed it. Maybe what followed the 'peak' wasn't actually a downhill progression, but a steep, traumatic backward motion that led me right to the very bottom.

Thinking of it this way sorta gives me comfort, in a strange way. Because I just might be able to do things a little differently now.

OKAAAY end of plaintive contemplation.

Note to self: LIVE IN THE PRESENT!! No matter how things evolve, I shall always always ALWAYS be thankful for this (:
 
 
timbuctoolady
07 June 2014 @ 12:26 am
(oh my gosh lj looks so different now I got a shock)

Currently feeling extremely silly, Googling stock answers for questions that have infinite permutations of answers. It's so irrational but there's this gnawing feeling that makes me hungry for an answer, ANY answer. Today I was asked what I liked about myself/ what my defining trait is. It's perhaps apt to say that amongst the three brief things I said about myself, I said that I like how I'm "largely practical but whimsical when the occasion calls for it". THIS WHIMSICAL PART IS OVERTAKING ME RIGHT NOW and I'm not liking it. Feels like skating on ice again.

It's sickening how this part of me never goes away. I think I'm just happy+excited+afraid+insecure+impatient+impulsive, and now that I've typed out the litany of emotions, I can see that these are essentially my primary emotions and that's why this part of me is here. to. stay.

):

Sigh maybe 3 weeks later I'm just gonna read this post and release a very bitter laugh.